you must be contagious

Rosette, my friend from Africa, asked “Why do people not visit one another when they are sick? They like to say ‘Oh you are sick. I will get sick, too.’ And they stay away. It is not like that in my country.”

I paused to gather my thoughts and decide whether the honest answer would highlight a virtue of Americans or make us look as odd as my friend seemed to think we were. I clarified that the generalization that “Americans” avoid sick friends might be a stretch, but that her observation was keen. I think “we in general” avoid the sick because
1) We’re AFRAID of getting sick.
2) We believe the only way the other person will get better is with rest, not an INTERRUPTION from a visitor.
3) We don’t like to feel HELPLESS.

All of these “reasons” are a bit irrational when analyzed deeply. Headaches and 5 day old flu aren’t usually contagious. As much as rest is beneficial, a happy heart can be an even better cure. And as humans, not just Americans, we will be helpless at some point in our lives. Typically, we like to put our best foot forward and hate seeing others or being seen by others when we’re less than our best. Therefore, it’s just easier for everyone involved to stay away until everyone is back to equal health status.

My explanation didn’t suit Rosette though. “But when we’re sick, that’s when we need others the most to be involved and be with us, not to hide.” We both agreed that assuming what the sick people need is not always the best practice since deep down a sick person will want a friend but probably doesn’t have the energy, humility or foresight to offer an invitation stating such desires.

I thought about this question a lot today. With each rerun in my head, I realized my own role in this cultural faux pax as she saw it. Even worse, I’m not exactly sure how to respond. In a situation when a person is sick for a couple days, a dash to the store for a Gatorade and get well card is easy. But a lifetime of sick also demands attention. Perhaps bedside monitoring is too much, especially for a person who just wants to sleep. But something must be done because
1) I can’t catch it.
2) Interrupting life is inevitable.
3) Feeling helpless is not helpful, but being hopeful is.

A fine balance lies in the relationship of those who are sick and those who are well. Establishing a workable balance might happen for a while, but something will tip the scales on one side or the other. The assumptions made about what maintains the balance will also keep the relationship from finding true equilibrium.

Rosette’s observation clued me into a possible cultural defect. But I believe with the right amount of effort and selflessness, it can be and is worth repairing.